hmmm your wondering what does that title mean. To some people I know they automaticcaly know what i'm talking about others I'm about to clue them in. It's about a very serious subject. Something I'm not used to experiecing myself. I'm talking about the subject of suicide. Personally I've always considered it to be for cowards. Still do. But I find myself having these thoughts more and more that I should kill myself. No no no.... stop right there. I'm not going to off myself. The thought of maybe i should kill myself is only as far as i ever get. I know these thoughts aren't me. And i never allow myself to get further in on thinking about how to do it. It kinda of annoying me. My situation in life right now is down right screwed up that i don't know which way is up or down. Who is there and who isn't .... well that subect is making itself clear. I'll talk about that in a second.

Now back to this subject of Suicide. I'm thinks it's retarded, self serving, a cry for attention, and above all for cowards. Now I'm starting to hang out with a few people and they're helping in that they have continually made sure that i'm all right. But this thing keeps popping up in my head. I am so scared of living my life alone and not having a family that it's understandable that these thoughts intrude but they are most unwelcome. Go away stupid thoughts... go away.


Now on to the subject of friends. The people i have been hanging out with lately KNOW that it's not good to be alone at a time like this and insist on me hanging out with them. I thank them and love them dearly for it. My human contact is next to nothing as it is. (Geez why am I tearing up)I seeking out friends new and old and seeing if they want to hang out. I've had others calling up on me and checking up on me. BUT what surprises me is that a couple have actually flat out told me that I need to spend MORE freaking time alone and one says to focus on GOD and spend all my time seeking him. WHAT THE HECK!!!! I've recently renewed my relationship with him and have actively been seeking him. I don't need more time that way alone where my thoughts wander. (My mind is my own worst enemy and even while seeking the Almight my thoughts have cropped up with suicide ((RETARDED))!!! I already had one girl hide behind GOD to stab me in the back. IF you don't want to be friend tell me. I don't need that. Don't hide behind excuses like God, or feelings that your afraid to have, or whatever. Your stuck in a rut and have grown stagnent in your life. Comfortable. Step out. Don't be afraid to live life. Let life happen. Don't let life pass you by and you be plagued with whatifs. Holding people at arms length gets you know where. When you learn how to be a friend then you can have awesome friends.

But I digress. Turns out I'm having second (and third and fourth) thougths about selling the ring. I'm going to hold on to it for awhile and see what happens.

No i don't need more time alone.... I don't care what anyone says ... but humans are social creatures and we were designed that way and not meant to close ourselves off.

Have a good day thank you.